resent towards parents for not getting me braces earlier

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#31 Post by **Kat** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 4:30 pm

Damn, I wanted a pony when I was growing up more than anything in life..
Didn't get one of those either.
I grew up.

#32 Post by **terra85** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 4:51 pm

Well what I wanted more than anything in life while growing up was to be able to smile, to not have people point out that my teeth were crooked, and asking me why my parent's didn't get me braces.

#33 Post by **newsboysgrl777** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:50 pm

terra85 wrote:Well what I wanted more than anything in life while growing up was to be able to smile, to not have people point out that my teeth were crooked, and asking me why my parent's didn't get me braces.

Terra, I hate to come across as insensitive, but a lot of people have given some really good advice and tried to help you see past your anger, but this post just speak of selfishness and self-centeredness. I think you need to get over it, okay? What you're looking for is pity and I have to say...you're not going to get it here. You're old enough to get past these things, but more importantly, you should be old enough to recognize the futility of pity and self-pity. If you WANT to have a pity party, please don't do it on the boards.

Again, I KNOW I'm coming across as harsh, but I tried to be kind and helpful - as did others - but your response is just ridiculous. It makes me realize all of the thoughtful things I said before were pointless because they went 'in one ear and out the other,' so to speak.

#34 Post by **SueFromNJ** » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:20 pm

Terra, sadly I relate all too well!

I was very resentful of my parents for not fixing my teeth. My parents were from the state of mind that braces were for vanity only, and they simply were not getting braces for me, end of story. They never saw it as their responsibility. It was like they were completely disconnected, it was my problem alone to solve. Like you said - how is a 14 year old suppose to get their own braces???? My parents also stopped bringing me to doctors at age 14, so this "disconnection" went deep - I couldn't get any health care after that either. Even worse, they had the money, they just didn't want to spend it.

My parents also had the frame of mind that I had to learn to live with my poor smile, and I need to try to have a better personality to overcome the teasing and my lack of social status from my overall poor appearance. Yeah, easier said than done when every other kid in my grade got braces and looked great.

As an adult, when I finally got braces at the ripe old age of 33, my parents were strange about it - never supportive or unsupportive. I hoped they would be very happy for me, but strangely, all they really said was "it's your choice to do something about it". No real reaction. Sort of hurt me seeing them still like that.

I guess I wanted them to see the "error of their ways" and maybe get an apology and some sympathy, but nope! Nothing will change, and they will NEVER see braces as something they should have done. I do still feel resentment, but I learned there is nothing I can do, just shrug it off at this point lol. But it will always bother me - I always think my parents never fixed my teeth because "I wasn't worth it" and that's hard to get over that.

Even more so to prove the point, I been out of braces for almost 3 years, and the difference in my life is night and day. Everythiing in my life is so much better - people treat me better, I have a better job, I look better, it's wonderful!

Braces finally gave me a life. Best thing I ever done - to think if I had it done sooner!

Sometimes you have to live these resentment issues to really understand them. So much lost time. Some of us know exactly how Terra feels.

Terra - best of luck on your dental journey!

#35 Post by **magster** » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:45 pm

I agree with others - be positive.. and guess what?

at least your parents might be paying for the ortho treatment.. I'm 22 and paying for it by myself because according to my parents "braces are a waste of money" --- clearly they group up with a different generation and well a different country therefore it doesnt matter to them if their daughter smiles or not.

I usually dont smile.. but now since I got my braces today hopefully after i am done i WILL BE ALLL SMILES

i cant wait.

#36 Post by **sisi** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:01 am

I think you have expressed an emotion that most of us try to sweep under the carpet. Most of us adults wish our parents had sorted out our teeth when we were kids. My two sisters had their ortho bills paid for by my parents. But they didn't think my teeth were bad and, in fairness to them, I think my teeth disimproved during my twenties as my wisdom teeth came down. It caused overcrowding to compliment my 6mm overjet.

The way I look at it now I am responsible for my own happiness. It will not make me feel good to resent my parents so I choose not to resent them. I choose to take a lesson from it - my three kids will be getting braces as soon as it is appropriate.

I wish you the best of luck with your ortho treatment.

#37 Post by **danish** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 4:52 am

hi terra85,

I can relate to the anger you are describing. I live in a country which has free dental care for school kids. I could have had braces when in school without paying anything but this possibility wasn't examined. I had visibly crooked teeth as a school kid but my parents apparently didn't see or didn't want to see any problems.

I guess that it all boils down to their own dental situation. I can't recall that my father has ever gone to the dentist in spite of loose teeth and problems with eating certain hard foods. My mother often went to the dentist due to various problems which were not cosmetic. Both didn't take properly care of their teeth and both had their teeth pulled out ironically in order to deal with their dental problems....

The important thing is that in their world teeth apparently weren't/aren't very important which is why they didn't place any importance on my cosmetic problem. It was not out of neglect but out of unawareness/ignorance that they didn't wonder about my crooked teeth.

Needless to say there was a time when I was quite resentful not unlike you because one the one hand I needed to have my teeth fixed and on the other hand there was no way that I could afford it.

Bitterness/resentfulness is a vicious circle and I eventually realized that it leads to nothing. So I started to investigate other possibilities which lead me to treatment in a dental school where trained dentists specialize in orthodontics and where patients only pay for the materials used. I save 1/3 of the price and treatment quality is comparable to any private ortho. Well... you can judge yourself from my story on the forum.

My advice to you is to stop being bitter. Parents are not perfect. And right now it's in your hands to deal with it regardless of the past. Start looking forward and examine what YOU can do to fix your orthodontic problem. There is always a solution. And once you embark on your journey towards the teeth you were meant to have you will stop being bitter. Believe me.

I wish you good luck

Danish

#38 Post by **skynyrd** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 8:06 pm

terra85,

I can understand your aggervation.. When I was younger, I remember the dentist coming by the schools to teach proper dental care (my parents were never ones to go to the dentist, other than to pull an absessed tooth).. I always wanted to keep my teeth cleaned, ect, but I believe I went twice to the dentist in my first 18 years.. once because I had a cavity in my baby tooth (which was just about ready to fall out anyway), and once when I was 16 or 17 to clean my teeth.. but strangely enough, they couldn't clean my teeth the day I went in there?

So I had my first cleaning when I turned 18. and have twice each year after that. I remember them asking me how long it had been, and I said "never"... I didn't feel bad about that.. actually felt pretty good because I was taking care of my teeth finally. As far as braces are concerned, that's something I put off until now (and I'm 26).. but they are getting more and more crooked, and I want to keep them for as long as I can, so that's why I have made the decision to get braces.

I don't really blame my parents for it, but I wish I'd spent my money on braces and wisdom teeth removed insted of other things after I turned 18.. and already had had this over with... Oh well, we can only look forward on what we can do in the future, and it looks like your well on your way to getting your teeth taken care of.

#39 Post by **terra85** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 12:52 am

If anyone's curious you can see what my teeth look like; they're in my signature below. I am clearly not a borderline case and as I said already I actually have a tooth right on top of a tooth and my midline is off by 5mm which is extremely noticeable; my top arch is shifted to the right and my bottom arch veers to the left. If I would have been taken to an ortho when I was 12 or so, my overlapping teeth problem could have been fixed by having a palatal expander. But now it's too late and I must have extractions prior to braces, or possibly surgery if I want to keep all of my teeth. That's very frustrating; I wanted to keep all of my teeth and could have if my parents took me to an ortho when I was a kid.

I could never smile because of my teeth. What also bothers me is that my parents said that I wouldn't need braces if I didn't have an overlapping tooth, which totally ignores the fact that my teeth are crowded and crooked and my midline is off by almost a whole tooth which gives my face an asymmetrical appearance.

#40 Post by **terra85** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:21 pm

MCG2013 wrote:Dude,

Braces cost ~150/month.. It's not that big of a deal.

I'm facing 200,000 in student loans and I just had my top braces put on at 27 years of age.

Actually, braces are way, way more than $150 a month. More like double that. I was quoted at nearly $9k but I live in Seattle where things are generally a lot more expensive and that includes dental care. Root canals and crowns here cost $2600. You can't get a cavity filled in Seattle for under $200. A new patient exam, cleaning, and x-rays are over $400. Anyway, that $9k figure does not include the cost of extractions, nor the $500+ cost to have a periodontist or dental surgeon put a TAD (temporary anchorage device) into my gums/bone. The cost of braces is a big deal. I hear that the average cost of braces is $5k. Well, where I live it's several thousand more than the average.

#41 Post by **classII** » Sun Apr 12, 2009 12:52 am

terra85 wrote:If anyone's curious you can see what my teeth look like; they're in my signature below. I am clearly not a borderline case and as I said already I actually have a tooth right on top of a tooth and my midline is off by 5mm which is extremely noticeable; my top arch is shifted to the right and my bottom arch veers to the left. If I would have been taken to an ortho when I was 12 or so, my overlapping teeth problem could have been fixed by having a palatal expander. But now it's too late and I must have extractions prior to braces, or possibly surgery if I want to keep all of my teeth. That's very frustrating; I wanted to keep all of my teeth and could have if my parents took me to an ortho when I was a kid.

I could never smile because of my teeth. What also bothers me is that my parents said that I wouldn't need braces if I didn't have an overlapping tooth, which totally ignores the fact that my teeth are crowded and crooked and my midline is off by almost a whole tooth which gives my face an asymmetrical appearance.

Awesome.

1. Yes, your teeth "look" hideous, positioned as they are - as do all or maybe most of ours.

2. However your actual physical teeth, size / shape are beautiful.

All you need is repositioning. You're arches have collapsed. That is very typical. Once you get started as your arch open' up that so-called hidden tooth will move into position automatically.

All I can say is:

1. Yes, be pissed off at the units as I was having a very similair sitiuation where the teeth all like nice but are totally skew and they don't see anything wrong with it

2. GO GO GO, start the process, you'll see a remarkable difference in the first month, even more in the next 6 months. Once you're arch starts correcting itself you'll kick yourself was to why what how everything was such a miserable deal in the first place. You'll be giddy one the process begins and the teeth start to move into alignment.

Like I said, just do it and let it flow. You'll see the transformation before your eyes which while happening will remind of why "they" didn't authorise it earlier, but at the same time is so magical you'll be so pleased as it progress it will cancel that out.

#42 Post by **terra85** » Sun Apr 12, 2009 3:37 am

I know that at 23 I'm an adult and it shouldn't matter as much to me what my parents think and all that...but still I can't help but wonder, what were they thinking, letting me walk around with teeth like that? My dad mentioned I only 'need' braces on my top teeth because the bottom teeth are straight. Um, no they're not--a few of them tilt back and some are sideways; they're all crooked. My teeth are hideous! I haven't seen anyone my age with teeth that overlap and believe me, I've been noticing teeth more lately because I'm going to get braces soon so I'm more fixated on what people's teeth look like. If my teeth were a little crooked I wouldn't be upset at my parents for not having them fixed when I was a kid. But come on, you've got to admit that the way my teeth and smile look would cause people to look down and judge me. Also, the way my teeth are positioned makes it harder to clean; I've never been able to floss or brush that hidden tooth because of the way the gums are positioned. So in my case, my teeth problems are not merely cosmetic but a hygienic issue. One ortho mentioned that in 20 or so years I could very well have some localized periodontal issues and some of my teeth show early signs of wear. So yes, it is a big deal. And yes, my parents should have taken care of it when I was 12 or so.

I am excited to get started on braces; I have just one more consultation to schedule and then I'll go from there! I will definitely have my braces within a few months and I'm sure that seeing the changes and improvement in my smile will change my attitude toward my parents. Nonetheless, I still stand by my assertion that parents have a responsibility to get braces for their kid(s) because it's not a cosmetic issue; having straight teeth gives confidence and promotes oral health.

#43 Post by **changes09** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 6:09 am

Your getting braces now....so just let it go. I know, that I am sounding rude but trust me, I have the same issues with my mom....may not be mith my teeth...but its still with my physical appearance. Baisically my hips are too wide and I have too much of a middle after having two kids.....I wont get into that.

But what I have learned is that you need to let go of your parents not getting you braces. Their is nothing you can do about it. You are getting braces now aren't you? So be happy about that! In a year or two you will be happy with your smile, and not have the grude against your parents...but why wait a few years when your debraced. Start the process now!

#44 Post by **magster** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:24 am

U'll be fine!

also.... like I mentioned earlier my parents think that "braces are a waste of money"

and when I got them ( i figured I wont involve them in the process at all)

Here are some of the comments I got from them:

"Dont you have anything better to waste your money on?"
When I first got them and got home (just did some grocery shopping) they were asking why I bought all this soup/mac and cheese etc and I said becuase I cant eat... they asked why and I smiled

my dads comment "Why did you do that? your teeth will fall out eventually anyways" - yes dad 60 years from now..

and Im not sitting here asking for PITY and being angry and resentful about it.

I always wanted to fix my teeth and now that I am finally doing it it is going to make me feel so much better that I DID it on my own and didnt need anyones help

#45 Post by **ginny** » Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:30 am

Hello all, I'm new here! I haven't read this whole thread, but I wanted to comment to terra85:
I really do understand your resentment. We all have different parents and different experiences growing up. While it's true that there is almost always someone who's "had it worse than you", that doesn't change YOUR experience and how it affected you.
My parents were not the best, though we did see the dentist semi-regularly. But no braces, since we were a poor, very large family (even if we had dental insurance, my mom couldn't have paid her share of braces).
My mom (and dad) was neglectful in other ways, and I feel similar resentment that you do. It's not easy to let go, and sometimes counseling can help.

I'm probably getting braces soon, I'm looking into the six month braces. I am pretty sure my bite and everything else is all good, so hopefully I'm a candidate!
Good luck to you!

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resent towards parents for not getting me braces earlier

Relate WAY too well