Ortho surgery and braces: negative family reactions. Advice?

[descantus]

Hi everyone,

I've been preparing for the long journey to ortho surgery for the past 8 months (finding a great surgeon, planning with the orthodontist etc etc) and have finally decided to to take the plunge and go ahead with the whole thing. Problem is I don't really have my family on board (I'm 30, and having upper jaw advanced to correct underbite/crossbite and sliding genio on lower jaw to reduce chin).

My sister is, at best, dismissive (Oh you're so vain, what a waste of money etc etc), but will still support me, albeit with bemusement.

My mum, however is a different story. Knowing she'd be unhappy about me going through with it I took her along to an early orthodontic appointment as reassurance, but this has only served to entrench her thinking that I'm doing a terrible and dangerous thing to myself. I think she was hoping i'd "drop the whole silly idea", so when I sat her down last night and told her i'd decided to go through with it she was not pleased - all I got by way of reaction was a chilly "I see"

Now i'm wondering whether I should make further efforts to try and bring her on board or keep her at arms length through the whole thing. I'd really like to share all my thoughts with her through the process, but knowing her deep down hostility to it might mean that when I experience those inevitable what-am-I-doing? moments, she'll come straight in with "I told you it was wrong but you wouldn't listen", tears before the op etc etc which will be the last thing I need. As my partner and friends as supportive maybe I should just rely on them and keep discussions with my mum limited and basically "yes everythings fine mum".

Has anyone experienced this with their families? How would you guys handle it?

Thanks!

[Court84]

Hi Descantus! Your story is VERY smiliar to mine. I was told at the age of 12, that I needed jaw surgery. My mom immediantly said NO, let's try the braces/appliances. Of course, after braces for 2 years, there was some improvement, but not what I really wanted/needed.

At the age of 20, I decided that I wanted to get the Ortho surgery because it was affecting my life. I couldn't laugh with friends without covering my face, I HATED smiling in pictures, and I would never show my teeth. Finally got everything situated with new braces, went to two different surgeons, etc. I finally had my surgery on October 6th. My mother and I went out to eat about 5 months before and I was explaining what was coming up. She immediantly got upset. "You're going to look so different". "It's like plastic surgery".. and a few other remarks. She was very upset at me. BUT... THIS WAS FOR ME!!! She had a smile she liked, why shouldn't I? I invited her to the surgery and she came and stayed all day with me. If you go ahead with your appointments and such, your family is going to see that this is truly about your happiness and they will be there for you.

[sauerkraut]

As a mother myself I can sort of see both sides. You’re 30 and plenty old enough to make your own decisions but she’s still your mum and she’s worried about you.

I suspect if my mum had been alive to see me putting myself through all this her reaction would have been similar. She probably wouldn’t actually have said “What on earth do you want to do that for?â€

[descantus]

Thanks for your reply Court84. Our stories are very similar as surgery was initially mentioned by my dentist around 11 or 12, but of course it was a flat NO WAY from my mother. Glad yours came around to it in the end and I really believe mine will in time.

Hi Sauerkraut - it's good to hear an opinion from the other side so to speak . You're right about the facial expression, she has previously said she would support me and wanted me home for the whole recovery period, but all the time with her eyes were saying 'pleeeeeease don't do this'

I think I will adopt the 'light and breezy' approach for now until she gets used to the idea, then start including her more on the details when she feels ready.

Thanks guys!

[bb]

My mother and my in-laws don't think I need it and have strongly stated such and I absolutely understand their point of view but this is my decision.
So I am/will keep them in the loop but I'm not telling them much of the negatives and I'm putting a postive spin on things, kind of like: it's no big deal.
This way they're included but there's no disappoving looks and I told you so's.

[Polly]

Hi Descantus

I have had similar situations as you. I needed upper and lower jaw surgery (had it last year) and when the process started friends and family kept asking if I really need surgery, saying I looked fine how I was. As consultations went on with the surgeon he also gave me the option of surgery to my cheeks taking bone from my skull. I told everyone I may need that surgery rather than I was given the option to have it.

Mum’s don’t think of us as adults we are still her children so they are going to worry about us no matter how we sugar coat things! I debated whether or not to tell mine before the op, thankfully the decision was made a lot easier when she was booked in for heart surgery the day after my op and I new if I told her she would have cancelled her surgery. She since admitted she would have cancelled so I made the right choice.

So, rather long winded, my opinion would be keep your Mum in the know but don’t go into too much detail too early and say you need the surgery rather than you want it. Hopefully when your Mum sees you are serious about going ahead with it and you are not going to change your mind she will want to know everything that’s going on.

Good luck, I haven’t regretted mine for a second.

Polly

[Foxface]

My parents didn't think it was necessary when I was a child and they didn't think it's necessary now, and they were kind of appalled at how invasive the procedures necessary to fix my bite would be. But I'm a grown-up now and have made a decision to spend my own money on this (along with A LOT of help from the insurance company, thankfully), and I told my family as much. I also wrote them a mail explaining why I needed this treatment and what exactly would need to be done. When my Mom saw how well I had planned out everything, she sort of came around because she knew she wouldn't change my mind and now she's a lot more supportive. Of course, it sort of helped that my sister also got braces as an adult, although she didn't need surgery.

[descantus]

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear i'm not the only one dealing with family negativity.

At one point I was so sick of hearing from others I didn't need the surgery that I actually asked my surgeon if he thought I was a serious enough case to be dealing with! Luckily he was able to reassure me that it wasn't all in my head (an underbite and front teeth which have never touched would be a good indicator, you'd have thought).

So I think I will keep mum informed in a light and airy detail-free way, hopefully she'll come round in the way all your parents have done

[bb]

At one point I was so sick of hearing from others I didn't need the surgery that I actually asked my surgeon if he thought I was a serious enough case to be dealing with! Luckily he was able to reassure me that it wasn't all in my head (an underbite and front teeth which have never touched would be a good indicator, you'd have thought).
So I think I will keep mum informed in a light and airy detail-free way, hopefully she'll come round in the way all your parents have done

Good for you. I'm sure your mom will come round.

My father-in-law who doesn't want me to do this(braces+surgery), asked me what if I didn't do it, would I be able to live out the rest of my life normally.

I told him that of course I would, I would also live out my life normally if I were missing an arm but that doesn't mean I have to choose to live my life like that when it could be better.

My own father says it's vanity.

I think of it as a new adventure and it's going to have an effect on my self-esteem (I'm shy by nature). Since it's not going to be easy, there is also the feeling of accomplishment that one feels after going through a difficult situation.