resent towards parents for not getting me braces earlier

[blueeyedboy]

Your parents may have neglected your dental health but now your an adult who can make the changes to make it better (and one day teach your own children proper dental care). There simply is no reason to hold resentment because, it is what it is. Just do what you have to do now and be thankful you finaly were able to wake up and see it before it was too late.

I also think you will find it very empowering to realize that you are an adult now and can make decisions for yourself and take charge of your own life. I hope you can let go of the resentment because you will find, in time, it is very damaging to your own well-being. You cannot change the past; you can only learn from it and make better choices in the future. Holding on to the resentment ties you to something negative; letting it go, learning from the mistake, and taking charge of your future without blaming others for their own mistakes will allow you to be a much happier person.

Best of luck to you.

[classII]

This is a very common point. While some hide it, some articulate it. Either way you are quite correct,

The problem is education. Suddenly everyone with braces is an expert on teeth. "social six", cuspids, eye, canine teeth. Molars, premolars, incisors.

Fact is no one nor anyone in their right mind for that matter, before knew or knows about any of this. Including parents.

Yes while it can be acceptable to blame your elders who should for whatever reason know about any of this, personally I blame denstists, who are too timid to insist that you need braces.

Education.

Your dentist may intimate subtely ' you really should see an orthodontist' means nothing.

What's that supposed to mean to you and your parents. Yeah OK my teeth are skew. So it's just the dentist getting a commission referring me to a straighten the teeth mechanic guy. Parent's say yeah that's right.

Untill dentists insist and explain WHY and/or it becomes essential to "get your teeth fixed" it means nothing. It's never been about teeth looking nice. It's been about fixing the bite. You'll end up with rotten broken teeth, lack of self esteem and no productivity in the work place plus added costs to socialised health in the future.

It's sad that it's in reality such a critical medical thing both mentally and physically, that there is no real effort by anyone, and most importantly dentists, the first line of defence, to demand or insist one get's it done.

Never been clear why that is.

It seems almost taboo for a dentist to whisper meekly, you really ought to get your teeth fixed.

When the health benefits including morale are next to none.

Yes, resent your parents. That is the correct thing to do. But let it be a motivator to ensure that you get it done.

As was said it's in reality nothing. 1000 dollars down 150 dollars a month.

Don't be allowed to be absorbed your parents ignorance. Get another job, or third job, to pay that 150 dollars a month. Getting your teeth fixed, as sad as it may sound will divorce yourself from your parents who are ignorant or uneducated in that respect in the first place.

People just do not know. None of us did untill we learnt what tooth was what and was supposed to be where and we as children expect(ed) our parents to know about all of that and care.

They don't and never will.

Resent them and the dentists who are not forcefull enough to insist that you do something when you can. Then againl. They're not your parent so all they can do is hint and suggest.

Once your teeth are solved your resentment for them will disolve.

Understand it, make a note of it, and build your life extricated from the clutches of your parents from that.

[bbsadmin]

My parents took me to the dentist, but even though my teeth were crooked, braces were never mentioned. My parents were poor, so I'm not sure if they could have afforded it anyway.

Listen, I have a lot of issues with my parents, who are now in their early 90s. I actually had a very rough and unhappy childhood and until recently I held a lot of resentment against my parents for many things that I felt were wrong in my life.

You will do yourself a favor if you find a way to come to terms with your past and give up the resentment that you hold toward your parents. Perhaps at 23 you're still too new to adulthood to understand....but believe me, you don't want to be carrying around those toxic feelings when you're in your 30s or 40s.

Your parents sound like they were very uneducated in terms of dental hygiene and preventative care. Lots of people are. They just don't take their teeth seriously. I don't know why. But obviously you are different. You now understand how important it is. And I bet there are other things in life that you see differently now, as well.

Think about your anger and come to terms with it. Write it all down, get it out of your system. Then try to find a way to forgive them. When you carry around all that anger, it only eats away at you eventually. It hurts you more than you can realize. It took me almost 50 years to understand this.

[starzz]

I'm sorry this happened to you and I understand why you are angry. I'm glad your parents were willing and able to pay for your recent dental work.

I hope you will be able to go forward with braces soon, but your parents do not owe you braces. You are an adult now and need to sort out your priorities. It sounds like braces are a priority, so start saving your money towards them. Most people on this board are adults and most are paying for their braces themselves.

Good luck with your job search and upcoming interviews. Are you a student who's graduating soon? Any chance you could be moving for work? Bear in mind if you move and switch orthos total costs will typically be more so you may think of getting settled in a job before starting treatment. (not sure if this applies to your situation).

Initial ortho consults are usually free so why not go forward with those and see what treatment is recommended? In order to treat you, the ortho will want to see that you are in good dental health, that you maintain good hygiene during treatment, and that you can pay for it (whether through monthly payment plan or whatever).

[MCG2013]

On a side note,

I can tell you this... my kids will be brushing, flossing, etc from the beginning. Then, when I notice their arch forming with the wrong angles, it's braces for those little suckers.



The circle of denial ends with this future MD.

Steve

[marycotter5678]

Boy can I relate to your post =/ I can't say I blame my parents 100% for my neglected ental health as a child because I was so extremelly terrified of the dentist that I put my mom through hell. But at the same time I know that she didnt teach me proper cleaning technique -- I dont remember brushign my teeth every night when I was a kid, etc...
I am 25 yrs old now and have had 6 root canals done with 4 crowns, missing 3 teeth, and 2 cavity fillings. Needless to say I am no longer afraid of the dentist because of so much crap I had to go through int he dental chair.
Now I am in braces.... will probably need surgery to fix my underbite as well... and get 1 implant.
In the past I have mostly blame myself because I attributed all my dental problems to my extreme fear of the dentist... but lately, esp after finding out I need all those root canals, etc I often found myself blaming my mom... If she only made sure that I brushed my teeth I probably wouldnt have 90% of the problems I have today =/ But then I realize it's in the past and I cant change it so I just forget about it and tell myself "this is the situation now, it is what it is, can't change the past" an just take the necessary steps to make my mouth an teeth as healthy as I can at this point =)

[acidcookie]

I'm sort of in the same boat right now...I'm 28 and just got braces on to treat and underbite and a ton of gaps. Dental care wasn't the greatest of priorities for my family.

I got a handful of preventative checkups but in spite of my self-consciousness about my underbite and crooked teeth (not to mention years of torment in school about it), my family was afraid of dealing with the insurance nightmare of jaw surgery on top of braces. I actually had it out with my mother about it and told her I felt she screwed up as a parent for not even trying to treat me.

I got it out in the open, and did something about it. If you feel that strongly, let your parents know...and promise yourself you'll never do the same thing to your kids. Staying angry with your family is not going to do much in the long run.

[acidcookie]

BTW...I can count the number of times on one hand I'd been to the dentist before I went to the Ortho to get my braces. They'll probably want you to see one to ensure your teeth are in good shape (and can sustain the work) but I don't think you'll need a dental history chart the size of a phone book to be considered for braces.

[jjjmac]

Hey, Terra. First off, as others have said - don't worry about getting denied ortho care because of a lack of dental care in the past. It sounds like your recent work has brought you up to par, and that's what matters. The ortho consults are free so they'll tell you if you need something else done first, but chances are you are good to go.

I looked into getting braces when I was your age - just having graduated from college in my case. I ended up not getting them largely because of the cost. My credit was poor at that time so I didn't qualify for loans and couldn't put it on a credit card. I graduated with about $70k in student loan debt and my job paid $10/hr so I was barely paying my bills. I'm happy for those people who can take on three jobs and mentally survive - but I wasn't one of those (I did work full-time and overtime). So I understand your concern about the cost if your parents back out of paying for the braces. Looking back, I wish I had done it anyway because if you can get on a payment plan, chances are that you will be able to find a way to make those payments. But I was also worried about job interviews and dating and my many student loan bills. I also thought that when I got a job and had dental coverage, it would pay for some of the ortho costs. In my experience, most plans only cover the cost of your child's ortho care and not your own. Go figure! So I used the money I'd saved from working overtime for 5 years. Yeah, bravo for me perhaps, except that money really should be going towards those student loans.

I'm 30 now and got my braces on about 5 months ago. Like many of those here, and like you, my parents did not provide sufficient dental care or instruction while I was growing up. I've been embarrassed to post pictures of my progress here because I have so many fillings in my teeth and it seems like most of the people who post pictures have few or none. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with having some anger towards your parents about their lack of foresight. People can say - they didn't know any better - all they want, but if you're going to be a parent, I'm sorry - but it's YOUR responsibility to find out what you need to do for your child if you don't know. It's not like there aren't resources, and weren't back then. And, again, sorry if anyone gets offended - but come on, teaching and enforcing regular teeth brushing and flossing is NOT an unreasonable expectation. Due to financial circumstances some parents do have a difficult time providing regular dental check-ups, that's understandable. But it seems like for many of us, that wasn't even the case either. My parents spent a ton of money on beer and cigarettes, but even those aside, they did have money to afford braces and dental care if they had wanted to. I'm grateful that my dad has admitted and apologized for not taking me to the dentist or making me brush.

Anyway, I didn't speak to my parents for several years, from about 19-25, but we've worked things out now for the most part and you probably will too - on your own time! Again, there's nothing wrong with having some anger - just don't obsess over it.

I know that before I started treatment especially, I had a lot of times where I revisited that anger and I think that's natural. I still get angry sometimes because who wants to be going through this crap as an adult? My 5 year-old nephew had 5 cavities, had 3 teeth pulled, and had two bridges put in his mouth last year and I've let my sister know how angry that makes me. I constantly hound her about getting on the ball with his dental care (luckily, it seems to be working, esp. as she's experiencing more of her own dental issues from neglecting her teeth). Neither she nor I ever lost all of our baby teeth, so that has made it even worse for us - it's not as if we had a chance to "do right" with our teeth as an adult (or a teen!) because we're both stuck with the molars we got when we were toddlers. It IS your responsibility to take care of your teeth now, which you are doing, but for people to say it was your responsibility all along - sorry, folks, I don't agree.

Getting braces is a big step for most of us - and it's scary! Give this girl a break people - don't you remember how freaked out you were pre-braces?

[terra85]

Thank you so much for your post, jjjmac. At least someone understands where I'm coming from.




I should make it clear that I do not hate my parents--far from it! I love my parents. They have made mistakes in the past but they have also done some good things for me. It's just that going through this whole braces and dental ordeal has dredged up some issues to the surface. I mean, I'm embarrassed to admit that I hadn't had ANY dental care for the last 12 years! I told my friend about it and she was horrified that my parent's didn't take me to the dentist when I was a child. I almost felt like I needed to lie to the dentist about how long it had been since my last visit because I felt so ashamed. A lot of people are shocked because these days not taking your kids to the dentist does border on child abuse. As we all know, oral and physical health are closely aligned. Luckily I am fine now in terms of dental health, but not going regularly could have been disastrous! What if I had a long-standing infection? What if all of my teeth needed root canals because of decay? What if I had periodontal disease that I wasn't aware of and went to the dentist as an adult and found out it's too late to save my teeth? It's not healthy to not have your teeth professionally cleaned regularly. Plaque builds up. Ever heard of the well-established link between heart disease and gum health?

I take full responsibility for my dental care now. But when I was a child, I didn't have a choice. I mean, I brushed my teeth and everything, but at 10 or 11 years old or whatever, I couldn't force my parent's to take me to the dentist! What was I supposed to do? I couldn't help it. It just really sucks when you're young and find out you need $7k worth of work done on your teeth. Yeah, I've had my 2 root canals and crowns done but now I've got to replace those crowns, fillings, etc. down the road. I've got to anticipate the possibility that my root canaled teeth could crack or need to be extracted in the future. It's a 50-50 chance that at least one of my fillings will need a root canal within a matter of months. That really sucks.

I assume most of you had somewhat regular dental care growing up. Maybe you didn't go every six months, but I bet most of you didn't go 12 years with no care. I went to the dentist ONCE when I was a kid. Now honestly, wouldn't you feel some anger toward your parents because of it? How would you feel if you didn't get care as a child and then found out you had to have 2 root canals and 2 crowns along with 5-6 fillings that could have been prevented if your parent's sought regular care for you? Please think about that before commenting.

I don't obsess over this, but whenever I go to the dentist or think about getting braces, I inevitably think about my parent's and them not taking me to the dentist. It does make me sad, yes, but I don't let it eat me up.

[Megan11]

I know how you feel. I mean anyone who is in braces as an adult who hasn't thought, " gee, I wish my parents bought me braces when I was kid," is lying.

BUT, the past is in the past so there is no point of having resentment for something that cannot be changed now. All you can do is learn from it and do things differently for your children. Be glad that you are able to afford them now many adults have to wait years and years before they can afford them.

That being said... I agree some people need to give you a break. Sometimes people just need to rant...nothing wrong with that. It feels good to get everything off your chest and then you can move on from there.

Beginning the braces process is an extremely scary and nerve-racking thing --as well as a huge commitment. I wish you good luck!

[BrooksonTwenty]

I know exactly how you feel, Terra, and I think the majority of my resentment comes from their ability to afford it, but not taking the initiative to do so. So instead of making sure my teeth were clean and healthy, they bought TVs and computers, cars, w/e. Kinda selfish if you ask me.

If one good thing comes from this it's that my kids will have proper dental check-ups and braces when necessary, that I will make sure of.

[rolo]

I can relate to the feelings of frustration, I agree it comes down to education. I have to say I cannot understand why my mother who is a dental nurse didn't persue orthodontics with me. I had an impacted canine and missing lateral inscisors, and extreme lower crowding, so you would think she might have some kind of clue this needed sorting, it doesn't fill me with confidence on dental nurse training. I think the generation difference accounts for some of it, my mother accepted the orthodontist didn't think he could treat me, whereas people of my generation are much more discerning about healthcare and would just ask for a second opinion.

If my parents offered to contribute towards my huge dental bill, I wouldn't say no, but there is something liberating about taking control of the situation myself, and saying I am going to do this regardless. I do get frustrated sometimes at Mum's lack of interest, I think maybe it's because she feels guilty. As posted above the positive aspect of this is that my daughter has had and will get regular dental check ups. I'm grateful they gave me a good education, so compared to that being a bit dippy on dental care is just a minor frustration.

[newsboysgrl777]

I just want to make a 'general' reply to many of the things said in this thread.

First of all, my dad had amazing dental insurance, so we got VERY good care as children. (But realize, some health insurance does NOT include dental as a rider..so this becomes an out-of-pocket expense that can build up!!) But, even with that insurance, no one ever mentioned braces. Now I'm 27 and I have them to fix my overbite and slight crowding (top) and spacing (bottom). The major thing is the overbite, however...and if it had been caught back when my jaw was forming, surgery wouldn't have been needed and who knows about braces? (I think I would've needed headgear, if I understand that concept correctly, so maybe braces WOULD have been needed??! Not sure) Needless to say, none of my dentists or the experts every suggested it OR hinted at it.

Secondly, I don't really ever remember my parents making a big deal out of brushing every night, but I did it anyway..and I still do and feel AWFUL when I don't! I believe it MIGHT BE all of the dental cleanings I had gotten and the dentists who made sure to tell us 'you need to brush regularly', but I'm not 100% sure.

Thirdly, I can relate to many of your posts about feeling resentment/anger/etc. toward your parents for various things. I had a truly sucky childhood (that I recently 'revisited' and can't believe I actually survived it!! (I had really separated myself from my past and didn't ever really think about it - until recently. That's what I mean by 'revisited') and I had a lot of resentment and anger for a long time because of it, but sometimes, you don't realize you have it (or why) until you face it. It's taken therapy and time and a lot of prayer, but I've forgiven my parents for the things I had to endure as a child. I still have a LOT of scars left over from the hurt they caused, and many, many issues to this day, but 'blaming' doesn't solve a thing.

And, just to sort of expand on my previous paragraph -- my dad suffered from bi-polar disorder and was extremely hard to live with (he was mean, moody, you never knew what the 'right' thing to do was, etc.) and my mom was (is) an alcoholic from before any of the kids were born. We suffered at the hands of both of them, went through their divorce, foster care, being thrown out of our 'home' numerous times, disowned by our father, etc., etc. but we survived, and each of us coped in different ways. (There are 3 of us)

I was angry and resentful for quite a time..but when I stopped allowing myself to feel that way, I started to heal and get better. My one brother (2 yrs younger than I) seems to have distanced himself from it all emotionally and functions perfectly well and is succeeding in his career, etc. One day he may have to face all of these things, but for now, he is doing well. My youngest brother (who is 23 also) is bitter, angry, resentful and is living a life of 'the world owes me something' and is ungrateful for anything and everything he has and is living a life of self-destruction that, i'm afraid, even if he hits rock bottom, he will not bounce back from.

I'm telling you this just to kind of show that anger and resentment is normal, but what you do with those feelings is what matters. And, how you act today, will affect you tomorrow (and on down the line), so you need to really make wise choices today.

Sorry if I thread-jacked this at all...I hope my points were relevant and not just my babbling.

[anastasia]

I've been a bit frustrated with my parents, but.. it was really MY fault that I never had braces as a teenager.

I'm from Norway where dental care is free and obligatory until the age of 18, so of course I went to the dentist once or twice a year my whole childhood. And when I was 13-14 years old the school dentist sent me to an orthodontist to check my crooked teeth. Braces are also free in Norway when crooked teeth pose a health problem of some sort, but my case was purely cosmetic - so my parents would have to pay for it themselves, and I had the choice that not all my peers were "lucky" enough to have: to brace or not to brace.

I hadn't really noticed that my teeth were crooked, and I really did not want to wear braces. I was insecure enough as it was. My mom tried to convince me to do it, but didn't want to force me. And I remember my dad kind of agreeing with her, but also saying that my teeth looked nice as they were.

When my teeth started bothering me years later, I yelled at my parents for not forcing me to wear braces! I know, it's stupid.. but yeah, I can relate to the feeling of resentment. I was a stupid kid, I felt it was their responsibility to make the right decision (just like when my mom stopped me from getting a tribal tattoo on my back I was pissed at the time, but God am I happy now).
And I also felt my dad kinda talked me out of it, I suspected him of not wanting to pay all that money. Now I know that he was probably just being honest.. Hollywood teeth were not that big in his generation, and my teeth are honestly not at all that bad. Just some minor imperfections.

Anyways.. I've resented myself the most, hehe. Regretted how stupid I was every single day, as my teeth started bothering me more and more. I finally found out about Invisalign and since I'm broke student I asked my parents for a loan. And my dad offered to pay the whole thing!
So now I feel even more stupid that I've yelled at them. Djeez.
I love my parents

And I strongly recommend every teenager that has been "forced" into braces to be happy as hell, and if you get to choose: just DO it. It's your teeth, you'll have them for the rest of your life.