newbie needing advice: family not supportive

[thesallymonster]

So about a month ago I got tired of my uncomfortable, uneven and badly aligned mouth and headed to a nearby orthodontist for a consultation. She confirmed what I've always suspected: I do indeed have an overbite and a slight overjet. My sentence: 2.5-3 years in braces and a herbst appliance for part of that time.

I would really like to get my treatment over with now, and I almost have enough money for the down payment (I make enough money to cover the monthly payments). There's just one little problem: my family doesn't approve.

My mother's the worst, she doesn't trust doctors much, and she doesn't think braces work. She says things like: "They're too expensive and a waste of money", "You'll be in retainers for the rest of your life and your teeth will still probably go back to where they were", "You can hardly eat anything at all with braces", or "You'll look childish/terrible/ugly". Now I can deal with those, the worst part is she doesn't think I need them, you see, my teeth already look straight except for a spot of mild crowding on top, and my mom thinks they look fine and hates that type of vanity anyway. When I pointed out my overbite she said that it was normal overbite, even though my top teeth cover the bottoms when I bite all the way down, and my bottom front teeth bite my top gums! I'm not doing this for cosmetic issues, it's for my health, but my mom doesn't believe that orthodontics heas any health benefits because she survived without them.

Then there's my dad, who's concerned about my finances. He thinks there's much better things for me to spend my money on than braces, like getting another car or getting my existing car fixed, or going on a nice ski vacation or something. He also wants me to save, save, save, but I already save almost half my income (excluding my saving for braces!). He's always trying to tell me what I can and cannot afford, and how I should spend my money. Frankly, I don't mind using public transit for awhile, and I don't need a fancy ski trip!

I'm a 19 year old student, and I don't live with my family anymore. I plan on paying all the out-of-pocket treatment expenses myself (I have a decent job plus scholarship support). My orthodontist's payment plan ensures that my treatment will be paid for before I graduate and pay student loans. Plus since I'm a student I still have benefits from my dad's dental insurance, which partially covers adult orthodontics and is relatively generous compared to other American insurance companies, and I worry I'll never have coverage like this once I graduate.

So I don't really need my family's financial support, it's just that I visit my family occasionally and once they notice the braces they'll never let me hear the end of it, they'll shake their heads and tell me what a horrible decision I've made and that I'm wasting all my money and effort and that the braces make me look silly. Plus, my mother is a great gossip and will tell all the family friends and relatives these things.

So my question is, should I go through with braces, despite my family's objections? I think I might, but I'm really worried about this issue. Has anyone else dealt with unsupportive, meddlesome families when it came to orthodontic treatment?

I'm really sorry that this was so long, but thank you for hearing me out.

[finally]

[align=center]I think you should do it. This will be a good lesson in growing up. Let your mom deal with her own reaction. That will be her problem. You're the one who has to see your smile every day and it isn't about vanity. It's about changing the things you can and accepting the things you can't (from the Serenity prayer). Our smiles and teeth we can change and there's nothing wrong with that. Thank God we have that option!

Tell your mother that this is your decision and that although you respect her opinion in the matter you are going to go ahead and do this.

Good luck on your decision![/align]

[josephine]

So sad!

Your mother's arguments:
"Braces don't work": Apparently they do or, trust me, no one would ever bother.
"You'll be in retainers for the rest of your life": That's possible at least nights (ask your ortho), but the whole process is a lot less cumbersome than it probably was when your mom was growing up (I can say this. I'm in my mid-50s!).
"Your teeth will still probably go back to where they were": Not if you are responsible about self-care, and it sounds like you are responsible.
"You can hardly eat anything at all": Who did your mom know that had such a horrible time with braces? Except for occasional times when you will understandably be sore, this is just not true.
"You'll look childish/terrible/ugly": This is utterly in the eye of the beholder. If you are a confident person you get over any self-consciousness quickly, forget you have them on, and after a first double-take most friends and even strangers just get over it.

Your father's concerns about finances: you've considered this and discovered you can handle the payments on your own. And that dental insurance of your dad's is a big factor that's definitely worth taking advantage of if you decide to go ahead with ortho treatment. He should be proud that you are taking this so seriously and being so good with your finances and your health.

It sounds to me like you are approaching this all very sensibly. It is your life, your money, and your health. Though it would be nice to have the support of your family you will have to decide for yourself if you can be independent enough to take it on knowing they will criticize you. It's disappointing that they don't see the benefit, but that should not limit you from doing what you think is right for yourself.

If you have done your homework, gotten consultations (just for your own info you might want to get one or two extra professional opinions) and can afford it, you are in the strongest possible situation to make a good decision. Whether your family supports you or not, and whether you decide to do this treatment or not, you can have faith in your own process of decision-making. The question I would ask in the end: do you want to do this at some point in your life? If so, it will be physically easier now than later, and the final results will be better than they will be if you get a later start. You can also always count on the people on this board to support you. It's not the same, I know, but we're always available!

[KittyW]

So my question is, should I go through with braces, despite my family's objections?

ABSOLUTELY YES!!! Do it NOW and you'll avoid a world of dental problems in your 30s and 40s. I was 44 when I got my braces. My sister and I were told by my mom that our teeth were not "that bad" and both of us ended up not getting braces as teenagers. We both endured years of teeth grinding, worn teeth, root canals etc. All related to orthodontics. I WISH I had had my teeth fixed sooner that later.

You're investing your money in yourself. You will not regret doing this for yourself. Don't allow your parents to guilt trip you into changing your mind. Cover your ears when you see them and they start criticizing you for getting the braces. Better yet, give 'em a BIG smile with your new braces and say "thank you for your support!"

[broochie]

I totally agree with the above posts. It seems you have had it all figured out, so go for it!
Make sure to have a couple of consultations with other orthos though. This is highly advisable in terms of treatment plan/finances/relationships with ortho, etc.

Good luck and remember this board is absolutely great for support and information!

[Michal]

Go for it. I'm 36 and I wish I would have done it when I was your age. If you are able to afford it, do it. You will be happy in the end. You sound responsible enough to know if you are doing the right thing or not. Good luck.

[Ronsie]

Dear Sally,

LOL...like Kitty, I heard the same arguments from my mother over 20 years ago!

Don't worry about it or get involved in debates with your family. As long as you are dealing with the financial aspects responsibly, which you are, go for it!

And as others said, think of it as a financial investment. You'll get a good 60 years+ out of this investment! I'm looking at half that time and it is very worthwhile.

[ghostmyimag3]

I think you should go ahead and do it, however my dad has never steared me wrong with financial issues.If your 100% sure you can make those monthly payments and still keep yourself financially stable then like i said go with it.
However I would have to agree with your dad on fixing the car or possibly getting another one. Public transportation is fine, but I'm afraid your gonna learn to hate it after awhile.
The whole childish thing? I just turned 30 today and i dont look childish! Your mother is being childish about you wanting to improve your smile. It doesn't have to be a cosmetic issue, my issue is if i dont have them i'm going to lose some teeth due to my uppers pushing on lower teeth.
I hope all your decisions are the right ones for yourself, not what others want you to do! Good luck!

[bracedgrill]

parents are parents....they will get over it...

[iBorg]

I can see both sides. Your parents are concerned that you will get in over your head financially and they'll have to bail you out. How close are you to having the treatment paid for with your savings plus your Dad's insurance? They need to know you can actually pay the bills.

As for looking childish, it is probably better to do it while in school than when you're trying to launch a career. Plus better-looking teeth will help you in your career.

On your side it’s better to do it at your age than mine (48). Investigate what the insurance will pay. If your parents are as frugal as you say, maybe if they realize that using your Dad's insurance now is more sensible than paying for it all out of pocket later. Most adult dental plans do not cover orthodontics. You may find that the insurance will cover a better part of the expense than you imagine.

As for the car issue, have you ever made a budget and shown your parents? This may allow them to see that their "little girl" is growing into a mature adult who is ready to take responsibility for her actions. If you need info on budgeting, pm me and I’ll send you a web link to visit.

I encourage you to pursue the things you believe will benefit your health. I would caution you not to jeopardize your relationship with your parents to do it.


Best of luck with your hard decision.

Mike

[Delag]

It sounds to me like your Mom is motivated by fear. Fear of the unknown and fear that someone may cause her 'baby' any pain. She thinks you are perfect (I KNOW my kids are all perfect) and she probably just can't wrap her mind around you wanting to change anything. Try to be patient and supportive of your parents and their fears for you. I know this probably sounds a bit backwards - they should be supporting you and your decisions, but this is a unique situation.

I am an 'official grown up' and have met with resistence from my family. In addidion to braces I need upper jaw surgery. My sister said to me that I shouldn't bother fixing my bite, because at almost 40 my life is already half over - it wouldn't be worth it. If that can bother me at my age, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Do your research, visit several orthos, and do what you know is right for you.

[jcdamon3]

The beauty of turning 18 is that your parents don't have any say over what you do now, unless of course you are asking them for money.

At some point in your life their opinion will matter -- but that is all it is - their opinion. You are free to do what you think is right now. This is a great lesson in making decisions and they need to let it go. You can't ruin your life over braces that is for sure. If your teeth are hitting your gums that is really bad news!

You may want to thank them for their input and tell them that you understand their concern but that this is something you need to do and would appreciate their support.

I grew up with really critical parents too but I have earned their respect some where along the way and you will to. They just seem to have issues letting go of control right now.

[ghostmyimag3]

Who says teeth affect your career?
I got a great job and my teeth were well, they were my teeth lol.They didn't look that bad i guess. Well everyone thought they didn't anyway but to me they were crappy

[Keith]

Parents can be such a touchy subject! I think you should get this done, definitely!

When I was younger, I was supposed to get braces but my parents never got them for me or my sister or brother.

When I told my mom I was getting braces at 27, the first thing she said was, "It wasn't my choice to NOT get you braces when you were younger". I just kind of looked at her, and couldn't beleive she projected this right back onto herself.

She must have taken my decision very personally. Perhaps your parents feel the same. In a way, they feel responsible for you not getting braces, so they lash out like this. I say this because that is exactly how my mom is. But of course, she can't come out and say she was wrong, because for parents, sometimes that can be very hard (I really don't understand why so many parents have that flaw when being a human results in making mistakes and getting past them, but whatever). Furthermore, I don't even care that I didn't get braces back then. Looking back, I probably would have missed appointments and had a less than desirable outcome anyway because of it.

Just go ahead and do this! You will be so happy! I wish I didn't wait until I was 27.

[overseasmel]

My two cents are that if this is something you know in your heart you want to do, the desire to do it is only going to get stronger over time, as will your frustrations at not having done so at an earlier point. So, if you can be honest with yourself and work out if you really can afford the course of treatment, I would say go for it.

Best of luck with your decision.

Mel